Outcomes

Isn’t it interesting that by the time some parents are tossing out parenting books, others are deciding to write them? Is it because the latter group has kids who have “turned out?”

Have you ever heard someone respond to the interview question, “What is your greatest achievement?” by answering, “My children.” I experience distaste when we talk about raising children with words like, “achievement.” Keeping a child alive until they are 18 is certainly an achievement, I grant you, perhaps even countless significant achievements. But child rearing, in all its complexity and difficulties and joy, is certainly more than an achievement. Isn’t it a relationship? Or rather, several stories that unfold?

A recent thought of mine is that our focus in childrearing is on outcomes. How our kids “turn out” seems pretty important. It determines if parents are esteemed in a community or gossiped about. It determines if parents feel pride or shame. Wouldn’t it be freeing to let go of the potential outcome of our children (and our resulting image) and instead walk with them on our respective paths of redemption?

I am part of a culture promoting the belief that children come into this world as innocent doves and parents/culture screw them up. This is a set up, I think, for those of us who are anxious to “parent well.” We realize that we are blowing it with our kids, and there is just no way around that. (I have said of my daughter, “She’s going to be diagnosable by the time she’s five!”)

The freeing truth is that our world is fallen. This means children are impacted by sin the moment they are conceived. Something in their very DNA is broken (it’s amazing, and clearly created by God, but broken nonetheless). Once kids make their way through the birth canal, they enter relationships with parents and others whose very DNA is also broken. The chance of anyone turning out is a moot point really. But I still find it difficult to escape the paradigm that my parenting determines my kids’ futures.

The paradigm I think I want is more about the relationship, learning how to love well – despite what the future brings. I’m looking for a parenting style that doesn’t use my child as a litmus test of whether she or I was good enough to produce a good outcome. I want to live by faith that even though neither of us will ever be good enough, we can nevertheless anticipate that Christ will redeem all our sins in creative and awesome ways.

Shameless Marketing

“Shame corrodes the part of us that desires change.” Brene Brown

Shame’s ability to block growth and unravel connection has been the main reason I wanted to study shame. I am a professional in the business of change, after all. Shame became my nemesis. Following the advice of Michael Corleone, “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer,” I wanted to know shame inside and out – so I could vanquish it.

While I would not say that I have vanquished shame in the grand scheme of things, I have learned some tools to use when it rears its ugly head. I have experienced the power of these strategies in my own life, and I have watched shame’s ice melt away from some of my clients.

And so I wanted to offer these tools to others who are in the fight against shame. The publications page lists new manuals that may be of interest to you – especially if you are in the role of helping Christian men and women who experience same-sex attractions. Yes, I realize that’s not most of you…

Nevertheless, these newly released manuals are designed as a guide for leading a therapy group on reducing shame in same-sex attracted Christians. Until I publish a second version of the manual for a more general audience, the exercises in these manuals can be used with clients presenting with any problems involving shame. I have also used many of the tools within individual therapy sessions, though the concepts are better presented as discussions rather than formal exercises in that setting.

Take a look at the excerpts from the manuals on the publications page and consider if these are the manuals for you!

Lars and the Real Girl

I re-watched the movie Lars and the Real Girl the other day, and then again last night. I just feel full after watching it. If you'll indulge me, I shall describe why:

1. I love the way the community loves this weird guy in their midst.
2. I love that Lars' brother, Gus, teaches Lars what it means to be a man.
3. I love that the community doesn't let Lars get away with self-pity.
4. I love that even though the doctor doesn't exactly know what she's doing, she exudes confidence because she is certain of some things.
5. I enjoy the scene where Lars gives CPR to a stuffed bear.
6. I love that people are married in the movie and they relate like normal married people relate.
7. I appreciate that the movie lacks nakedness, cussing, and violence.
8. And I love that throughout the movie, you realize that many people are weird, and really, isn't that what connects us all anyway?

The movie makes me want to be in community.

But being in community is… awkward. There are conflicts, needs, joys in the midst of sorrow, death, repetitive patterns of destructive behavior, “dogs and cats living together: mass hysteria!” But I digress. The point is, being in community sometimes makes us want to be alone.

I am thinking that while we're in the midst of community, it would be nice if we could see the end of the story and get that “full” feeling. Maybe that's really why I love Lars. Lars reminds me that someday I'll have that feeling - after we've taken all the important risks, and put forth all the important efforts, after we've survived all the important struggles, when it's all been resolved, and we can't help but smile.

Reducing Shame Therapy Group

All right… well, clearly, blogging is not my primary vocation. My apologies for such a long absence.

In my counseling practice, one of the things that broke my heart was the way shame seemed to get in the way for my clients. For some, shame made it so they could not even talk about what was bothering them. For others, it killed our counseling relationship. It was painful for me to be in its presence, but it was far more painful for my clients who were living in it.

Shame was especially an issue for my clients who had same-sex attractions. Shame just seemed pervasive in so much of their lives, and it seemed to make things much worse in so many ways. They couldn't talk to God, they felt isolated and alone, and they could not keep healthy relationships. Shame was like a wall we could not get past.

Long story short (which includes moving across the country, a doctoral education, a very l-o-n-g dissertation, and two kids - aren't you glad I'm shortening the story?), I am unveiling a therapy group specifically for same-sex attracted adults to reduce the shame they experience. My hope is that the group will help them once again relate to the God who made them, freely experience intimate friendship, and know peace.

If this interests you or makes you think about someone you know (and you or they live in the Hampton Roads area of Virginia), take a moment to look at our flyer about the group and consider joining us.

Click here for more information.

Counteracting Shame

With few exceptions, I stopped watching TV sometime in the mid-1990s. There are many reasons for this, but I was reflecting on one in particular tonight. Typically, when I turn on the TV, I’m presented with the image of a woman disrobing, a woman engaged in some sexual act, a woman very scantily dressed, etc. etc. Needless to say, these women are stunningly gorgeous and seem happy to expose themselves for others’ pleasure. Generally, I get angry. I get angry at the actresses who do these things, angry at the producers (likely male) who use TV to live out their fantasies, angry at my husband who just so happens to be male… you get the idea.

I’ve tried to explain my anger by thinking that perhaps I feel devalued as a woman, or perhaps I feel objectified, but these words never quite fit my experience. It occurred to me tonight that I am feeling shame in these moments. Cognitive psychology says that shame happens when we’re presented with a standard, rule, or goal that we fail to meet. Then, when we don’t live up to the standard, we attribute it to some major flaw in us. So, I see the female characters on TV as being desirable, and quite frankly, I’d like to be desirable too. I also see that I do not live “up” to that standard. Then something inside me says, “I am not that so there is something wrong with me. I am not, and can never be, desirable.” In other words, I feel shame. (I’m a bit ashamed to say that it took me this long to figure out that it was shame...)

The tricky part for me, and perhaps for you in your own areas of shame, is not to out-and-out condemn that which triggers my shame. Feminine beauty is not sinful, enjoyment of sexuality is not evil, and TV is not the core problem. Because I feel condemned in my perceived undesirability, it is tempting to counter-condemn, so to speak. I have found that shamed people shame people, but I don’t think that’s the most helpful course.

The way I see Jesus confronting shame in his culture was by asserting dignity and offering the one who was doing the shaming a chance at redemption. The passage about turning the other cheek and walking the extra mile is not a passage about passivity. It is about the person making a choice to stand dignified in the face of shame in such a way that shed light on the person who was shaming them. Jesus seemed to have no limit to how he put these principles into practice – at times he directly answered questions to retain his honor and at other times he remained silent. Yet I find myself at a loss on how to respond in critical moments. Perhaps the context and Holy Spirit will lend itself to a response, but I like to plan ahead anyway.

Take this example of feeling shame while watching TV – how in the world does one confront that situation helpfully when the producers, writers, actors/actresses, are so far removed from my own life? Perhaps this is one reason I will continue to not watch; being deeply impacted by something on which I have no impact is not very satisfying to me. Nevertheless, in the occasions that I will be watching, am confronted with the images, and tempted toward anger – perhaps I could withhold sarcastic comments about the actresses (you know what I’m talking about ladies), and replace them with a comment that affirms their dignity. Perhaps it means not allowing the images to rule me throughout the rest of the day/evening, making it very hard to be kind to others (it’s very hard for me to be kind when I feel shame). Maybe consciously choosing to be kind, maybe shooting up a prayer whenever the images return, maybe these are the things that can help dissipate my TV shame while blessing (not cursing) those who partake in the shaming.

Psalmist Shame

Lest I be considered anti-dentite, due to my comments of the last post, I thought I would switch directions to a non-medical topic. I ran across Psalm 32 this morning and it got me to thinking about shame and guilt.

“When I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord”
– and you forgave the guilt of my sin.” Psalm 32:3-5

What kept David from confessing his sin right off? Why keep silent and waste away?

In Psychology, shame and guilt are different things. Guilt usually focuses on a behavior (or lack of behavior) and motivates us to correct it. Shame, on the other hand, focuses on our flawed self, and since it feels like there is no hope for correction, shame motivates us to hide. But, sometimes shame and guilt are intertwined. Like David, I have sinned and then done my best to hide and preserve my self in some way – sometimes to protect how other people see me, sometimes to protect how I see myself. Justifying myself, blaming others for my faults, or getting angry at the unfairness of the situation (all efforts at hiding) really does sap me of mental and emotional energy. They say that confession is good for the soul – particularly to a God who promises to forgive. Shame and guilt may be different things, but confessing guilt can take away shame. May we be courageous enough to confess.

Dental Shame

I go a long time between dental cleanings. Here’s why: I go to the dentist hoping for medical attention – a cleaning, a cavity filled, etc – and I come away with insecurity about my crooked, yellowing teeth, which are *not* medical issues. Are they medical personnel or Madison Avenue marketers? Have you tried to buy toothpaste without whitening ingredients? Good luck. In America, apparently there is no greater shame than to have less than white teeth.

We Americans have the idea that perfection is our standard. It’s understandable, really. Since every generation wants the following generation to learn more, do more, have more, it stands to reason that at some point we’ll reach the pinnacle. And why not now? With enough hair, skin, and teeth products, we can look like the people from the magazines and TV. We believe that now, more than ever, we can reach perfection (or at least appear perfect). But at what cost to our souls?

I was in Rome this past summer. The city is filled with ancient ruins – unearthed in the most random places. Even the modern city streets had buildings that were in desperate disrepair. Yet Rome remains the most beautiful city I’ve ever been in. Somehow it communicated to me that I could have yellow teeth and still be beautiful. Ah, how refreshing this was to my soul. For this reason, I’d much rather be in Rome than a dentist’s chair. (That, and the food in Rome is much better.)