Posts
All right… well, clearly, blogging is not my primary vocation. My apologies for such a long absence.
In my counseling practice, one of the things that broke my heart was the way shame seemed to get in the way for my clients. For some, shame made it so they could not even talk about what was bothering them. For others, it killed our counseling relationship. It was painful for me to be in its presence, but it was far more painful for my clients who were living in it.
Shame was especially an issue for my clients who had same-sex attractions. Shame just seemed pervasive in so much of their lives, and it seemed to make things much worse in so many ways. They couldn't talk to God, they felt isolated and alone, and they could not keep healthy relationships. Shame was like a wall we could not get past.
Long story short (which includes moving across the country, a doctoral education, a very l-o-n-g dissertation, and two kids - aren't you glad I'm shortening the story?), I am unveiling a therapy group specifically for same-sex attracted adults to reduce the shame they experience. My hope is that the group will help them once again relate to the God who made them, freely experience intimate friendship, and know peace.
If this interests you or makes you think about someone you know (and you or they live in the Hampton Roads area of Virginia), take a moment to look at our flyer about the group and consider joining us.
Click here for more information.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Monday, July 20, 2009
Counteracting Shame
With few exceptions, I stopped watching TV sometime in the mid-1990s. There are many reasons for this, but I was reflecting on one in particular tonight. Typically, when I turn on the TV, I’m presented with the image of a woman disrobing, a woman engaged in some sexual act, a woman very scantily dressed, etc. etc. Needless to say, these women are stunningly gorgeous and seem happy to expose themselves for others’ pleasure. Generally, I get angry. I get angry at the actresses who do these things, angry at the producers (likely male) who use TV to live out their fantasies, angry at my husband who just so happens to be male… you get the idea.
I’ve tried to explain my anger by thinking that perhaps I feel devalued as a woman, or perhaps I feel objectified, but these words never quite fit my experience. It occurred to me tonight that I am feeling shame in these moments. Cognitive psychology says that shame happens when we’re presented with a standard, rule, or goal that we fail to meet. Then, when we don’t live up to the standard, we attribute it to some major flaw in us. So, I see the female characters on TV as being desirable, and quite frankly, I’d like to be desirable too. I also see that I do not live “up” to that standard. Then something inside me says, “I am not that so there is something wrong with me. I am not, and can never be, desirable.” In other words, I feel shame. (I’m a bit ashamed to say that it took me this long to figure out that it was shame...)
The tricky part for me, and perhaps for you in your own areas of shame, is not to out-and-out condemn that which triggers my shame. Feminine beauty is not sinful, enjoyment of sexuality is not evil, and TV is not the core problem. Because I feel condemned in my perceived undesirability, it is tempting to counter-condemn, so to speak. I have found that shamed people shame people, but I don’t think that’s the most helpful course.
The way I see Jesus confronting shame in his culture was by asserting dignity and offering the one who was doing the shaming a chance at redemption. The passage about turning the other cheek and walking the extra mile is not a passage about passivity. It is about the person making a choice to stand dignified in the face of shame in such a way that shed light on the person who was shaming them. Jesus seemed to have no limit to how he put these principles into practice – at times he directly answered questions to retain his honor and at other times he remained silent. Yet I find myself at a loss on how to respond in critical moments. Perhaps the context and Holy Spirit will lend itself to a response, but I like to plan ahead anyway.
Take this example of feeling shame while watching TV – how in the world does one confront that situation helpfully when the producers, writers, actors/actresses, are so far removed from my own life? Perhaps this is one reason I will continue to not watch; being deeply impacted by something on which I have no impact is not very satisfying to me. Nevertheless, in the occasions that I will be watching, am confronted with the images, and tempted toward anger – perhaps I could withhold sarcastic comments about the actresses (you know what I’m talking about ladies), and replace them with a comment that affirms their dignity. Perhaps it means not allowing the images to rule me throughout the rest of the day/evening, making it very hard to be kind to others (it’s very hard for me to be kind when I feel shame). Maybe consciously choosing to be kind, maybe shooting up a prayer whenever the images return, maybe these are the things that can help dissipate my TV shame while blessing (not cursing) those who partake in the shaming.
I’ve tried to explain my anger by thinking that perhaps I feel devalued as a woman, or perhaps I feel objectified, but these words never quite fit my experience. It occurred to me tonight that I am feeling shame in these moments. Cognitive psychology says that shame happens when we’re presented with a standard, rule, or goal that we fail to meet. Then, when we don’t live up to the standard, we attribute it to some major flaw in us. So, I see the female characters on TV as being desirable, and quite frankly, I’d like to be desirable too. I also see that I do not live “up” to that standard. Then something inside me says, “I am not that so there is something wrong with me. I am not, and can never be, desirable.” In other words, I feel shame. (I’m a bit ashamed to say that it took me this long to figure out that it was shame...)
The tricky part for me, and perhaps for you in your own areas of shame, is not to out-and-out condemn that which triggers my shame. Feminine beauty is not sinful, enjoyment of sexuality is not evil, and TV is not the core problem. Because I feel condemned in my perceived undesirability, it is tempting to counter-condemn, so to speak. I have found that shamed people shame people, but I don’t think that’s the most helpful course.
The way I see Jesus confronting shame in his culture was by asserting dignity and offering the one who was doing the shaming a chance at redemption. The passage about turning the other cheek and walking the extra mile is not a passage about passivity. It is about the person making a choice to stand dignified in the face of shame in such a way that shed light on the person who was shaming them. Jesus seemed to have no limit to how he put these principles into practice – at times he directly answered questions to retain his honor and at other times he remained silent. Yet I find myself at a loss on how to respond in critical moments. Perhaps the context and Holy Spirit will lend itself to a response, but I like to plan ahead anyway.
Take this example of feeling shame while watching TV – how in the world does one confront that situation helpfully when the producers, writers, actors/actresses, are so far removed from my own life? Perhaps this is one reason I will continue to not watch; being deeply impacted by something on which I have no impact is not very satisfying to me. Nevertheless, in the occasions that I will be watching, am confronted with the images, and tempted toward anger – perhaps I could withhold sarcastic comments about the actresses (you know what I’m talking about ladies), and replace them with a comment that affirms their dignity. Perhaps it means not allowing the images to rule me throughout the rest of the day/evening, making it very hard to be kind to others (it’s very hard for me to be kind when I feel shame). Maybe consciously choosing to be kind, maybe shooting up a prayer whenever the images return, maybe these are the things that can help dissipate my TV shame while blessing (not cursing) those who partake in the shaming.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Psalmist Shame
Lest I be considered anti-dentite, due to my comments of the last post, I thought I would switch directions to a non-medical topic. I ran across Psalm 32 this morning and it got me to thinking about shame and guilt.
What kept David from confessing his sin right off? Why keep silent and waste away?
In Psychology, shame and guilt are different things. Guilt usually focuses on a behavior (or lack of behavior) and motivates us to correct it. Shame, on the other hand, focuses on our flawed self, and since it feels like there is no hope for correction, shame motivates us to hide. But, sometimes shame and guilt are intertwined. Like David, I have sinned and then done my best to hide and preserve my self in some way – sometimes to protect how other people see me, sometimes to protect how I see myself. Justifying myself, blaming others for my faults, or getting angry at the unfairness of the situation (all efforts at hiding) really does sap me of mental and emotional energy. They say that confession is good for the soul – particularly to a God who promises to forgive. Shame and guilt may be different things, but confessing guilt can take away shame. May we be courageous enough to confess.
“When I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord”
– and you forgave the guilt of my sin.” Psalm 32:3-5
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord”
– and you forgave the guilt of my sin.” Psalm 32:3-5
What kept David from confessing his sin right off? Why keep silent and waste away?
In Psychology, shame and guilt are different things. Guilt usually focuses on a behavior (or lack of behavior) and motivates us to correct it. Shame, on the other hand, focuses on our flawed self, and since it feels like there is no hope for correction, shame motivates us to hide. But, sometimes shame and guilt are intertwined. Like David, I have sinned and then done my best to hide and preserve my self in some way – sometimes to protect how other people see me, sometimes to protect how I see myself. Justifying myself, blaming others for my faults, or getting angry at the unfairness of the situation (all efforts at hiding) really does sap me of mental and emotional energy. They say that confession is good for the soul – particularly to a God who promises to forgive. Shame and guilt may be different things, but confessing guilt can take away shame. May we be courageous enough to confess.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Dental Shame
I go a long time between dental cleanings. Here’s why: I go to the dentist hoping for medical attention – a cleaning, a cavity filled, etc – and I come away with insecurity about my crooked, yellowing teeth, which are *not* medical issues. Are they medical personnel or Madison Avenue marketers? Have you tried to buy toothpaste without whitening ingredients? Good luck. In America, apparently there is no greater shame than to have less than white teeth.
We Americans have the idea that perfection is our standard. It’s understandable, really. Since every generation wants the following generation to learn more, do more, have more, it stands to reason that at some point we’ll reach the pinnacle. And why not now? With enough hair, skin, and teeth products, we can look like the people from the magazines and TV. We believe that now, more than ever, we can reach perfection (or at least appear perfect). But at what cost to our souls?
I was in Rome this past summer. The city is filled with ancient ruins – unearthed in the most random places. Even the modern city streets had buildings that were in desperate disrepair. Yet Rome remains the most beautiful city I’ve ever been in. Somehow it communicated to me that I could have yellow teeth and still be beautiful. Ah, how refreshing this was to my soul. For this reason, I’d much rather be in Rome than a dentist’s chair. (That, and the food in Rome is much better.)
We Americans have the idea that perfection is our standard. It’s understandable, really. Since every generation wants the following generation to learn more, do more, have more, it stands to reason that at some point we’ll reach the pinnacle. And why not now? With enough hair, skin, and teeth products, we can look like the people from the magazines and TV. We believe that now, more than ever, we can reach perfection (or at least appear perfect). But at what cost to our souls?
I was in Rome this past summer. The city is filled with ancient ruins – unearthed in the most random places. Even the modern city streets had buildings that were in desperate disrepair. Yet Rome remains the most beautiful city I’ve ever been in. Somehow it communicated to me that I could have yellow teeth and still be beautiful. Ah, how refreshing this was to my soul. For this reason, I’d much rather be in Rome than a dentist’s chair. (That, and the food in Rome is much better.)
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Shame and Relationships
I recently saw the movie The Kite Runner. It’s hard to describe the experience; words seem to fall short of its enormity. Positive words seem to overlook the pain, but negative words miss the redemption. Not surprisingly, I was particularly struck by the themes of shame in the movie. The main character Amir watches as his closest friend is assaulted, neither helping nor running for help. His shame over his inaction puts a barrier between he and his friend that he cannot overcome, even when his friend invites him back into friendship. So powerful is his shame that Amir tries to get rid of his life-long friend.
Shame destroys relationships. When we feel shame, we are more likely to get really angry, to blame others for anything and everything, and to pull away from even our most trusted friends and family. The irony is that shame tells us we are not worthy of our connection with others, all the while compelling us to act in ways that bust apart our connections.
On the other hand, relationships destroy shame. When we are convinced of our inferiority and someone honors us, shame dissipates. When we are certain that we are disgusting and someone hugs us, shame fizzles. When we feel beyond hope and God moves in our lives, shame dies. Connection with God and others is our truest hope to combat shame.
Shame destroys relationships. When we feel shame, we are more likely to get really angry, to blame others for anything and everything, and to pull away from even our most trusted friends and family. The irony is that shame tells us we are not worthy of our connection with others, all the while compelling us to act in ways that bust apart our connections.
On the other hand, relationships destroy shame. When we are convinced of our inferiority and someone honors us, shame dissipates. When we are certain that we are disgusting and someone hugs us, shame fizzles. When we feel beyond hope and God moves in our lives, shame dies. Connection with God and others is our truest hope to combat shame.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
The Insidious Root of Shame
Sometimes shame masquerades as something on the surface, when really its insidious root goes much deeper. For instance, I have joked that I have the genetic makeup of a yak…I have far too much hair. At my Italian family member’s funeral, the comment was made: “I’ve never seen so many mustaches in my life…and that’s just on the women!”
I too have hair where I, as a woman, ought not to have hair. Oh the shame I felt over this unwanted hair! Yet my shame was not merely based in my increased volume of hair follicles – rather, it was rooted in my gender. Shame suggested, “Maybe I am not really meant to be a woman…” Though I hid my hair, I was trying to keep people from noticing and rejecting me because I was not, and could not be, what I was supposed to be.
Though I have focused on how having same-sex attractions causes shame, maybe the root of this shame goes deeper. In The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction, Janelle Hallman talks about the shame that is at the root of female same-sex attractions: shame of being different, shame of being alone, and the shame of feeling empty. Sometimes a woman experiences shame in her gender, feeling ridiculous as a woman. And sometimes a woman experiences shame in her very existence, as if she is not even worthy of being alive.
Although electrolysis was helpful in my hair-shame, the more core gender-shame had to be addressed to be truly free. In the same way, facing the shame over same-sex attractions can be beneficial, but it may be more important to address the deeper shame that keeps us powerless and isolated.
Book Review of The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction
Click here to view The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction on Amazon
I too have hair where I, as a woman, ought not to have hair. Oh the shame I felt over this unwanted hair! Yet my shame was not merely based in my increased volume of hair follicles – rather, it was rooted in my gender. Shame suggested, “Maybe I am not really meant to be a woman…” Though I hid my hair, I was trying to keep people from noticing and rejecting me because I was not, and could not be, what I was supposed to be.
Though I have focused on how having same-sex attractions causes shame, maybe the root of this shame goes deeper. In The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction, Janelle Hallman talks about the shame that is at the root of female same-sex attractions: shame of being different, shame of being alone, and the shame of feeling empty. Sometimes a woman experiences shame in her gender, feeling ridiculous as a woman. And sometimes a woman experiences shame in her very existence, as if she is not even worthy of being alive.
Although electrolysis was helpful in my hair-shame, the more core gender-shame had to be addressed to be truly free. In the same way, facing the shame over same-sex attractions can be beneficial, but it may be more important to address the deeper shame that keeps us powerless and isolated.
Book Review of The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction
Click here to view The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction on Amazon
Monday, May 19, 2008
Unwanted Identities
As an extrovert, I think out loud. This has some advantages, like finding out other people wonder about the same things I do. It also has some disadvantages, like saying stupid things. This happens frequently since my thought process doesn’t actually complete itself until the words are already out. Now, I have just completed my 20th year in school and I have a decent IQ, yet in these moments, I am certain that I have exposed myself as dumb. So I frantically search for a brilliant thing to say to cover up my stupidity, and I can tell you from experience, this rarely ends well.
What I am wrestling with in these moments of shame is an unwanted identity – I don’t want to be seen as stupid. Shame happens when we feel exposed to others, or even just to ourselves, in a way that we perceive is undesirable or flawed (Ferguson, Eyre, & Ashbaker, 2000). When a person begins experiencing same-sex attractions, they may wonder if they are gay or lesbian. These labels can be an unwanted identity for the individual. Then, every time a same-sex thought pops in their mind, or when they are called a derogatory name, the unwanted identity becomes more solidified, and the shame becomes more pervasive.
Good news: experiencing same-sex attractions does not mean a person is gay, lesbian, or even bisexual. There is a difference between experiencing attractions and taking on an (unwanted) identity based on those attractions (Yarhouse, 2005). For instance, I am 145 pounds (give or take), which is about 20 pounds over the recommended weight for my height. Even though I describe my weight on my driver’s license (and now on this website), I do not identify as overweight. Similarly, if someone experiences SSA, but does not want to identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, they can reduce shame by describing their experience as opposed to identifying themselves by their experience.
References
What I am wrestling with in these moments of shame is an unwanted identity – I don’t want to be seen as stupid. Shame happens when we feel exposed to others, or even just to ourselves, in a way that we perceive is undesirable or flawed (Ferguson, Eyre, & Ashbaker, 2000). When a person begins experiencing same-sex attractions, they may wonder if they are gay or lesbian. These labels can be an unwanted identity for the individual. Then, every time a same-sex thought pops in their mind, or when they are called a derogatory name, the unwanted identity becomes more solidified, and the shame becomes more pervasive.
Good news: experiencing same-sex attractions does not mean a person is gay, lesbian, or even bisexual. There is a difference between experiencing attractions and taking on an (unwanted) identity based on those attractions (Yarhouse, 2005). For instance, I am 145 pounds (give or take), which is about 20 pounds over the recommended weight for my height. Even though I describe my weight on my driver’s license (and now on this website), I do not identify as overweight. Similarly, if someone experiences SSA, but does not want to identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, they can reduce shame by describing their experience as opposed to identifying themselves by their experience.
References
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