Many books have been written about shame. Yet they all begin with the same problem: shame defies definition. Language fails to describe what is occurring (Kaufman, 1996). A root meaning of shame is to cover or envelop (Lynd, 1958, McClintock, 2001); it is as if the very experience is covered up by the inability to express it. When pain cannot be named, the experience can seem overwhelming and uncontrollable. Conversely, once shame is identified, it begins to lose power (H.B. Lewis, 1971).
Thankfully, the difficulty of defining shame has not stopped authors from attempting to classify it. Definitions of shame consistently include the element of exposure (Lynd, 1958; Kaufman & Raphael, 1996). Shame exposes a person’s flaws or inferiority (Tangney & Dearing, 2002; Brown, 2004; Kaufman, 1996; Adams & Robinson, 2001). The experience is keenly focused on the self as opposed to behavior (H. B. Lewis, 1971; Lynd, 1958). Because of the inward focus, shame deeply affects the identity and relationships of an individual (Kaufman, 1996; Tangney & Dearing, 2002). Perhaps most significantly, shame includes an aspect of condemnation in which the person deduces that he or she will not be accepted, respected, or loved as they had been before their inferiority had come to light (Brown, 2004; Tangney & Dearing, 2002).
If you find yourself in pain, but without words to help you understand it – it is at least possible that you are experiencing shame. As you ponder your circumstances ask yourself:
Thankfully, the difficulty of defining shame has not stopped authors from attempting to classify it. Definitions of shame consistently include the element of exposure (Lynd, 1958; Kaufman & Raphael, 1996). Shame exposes a person’s flaws or inferiority (Tangney & Dearing, 2002; Brown, 2004; Kaufman, 1996; Adams & Robinson, 2001). The experience is keenly focused on the self as opposed to behavior (H. B. Lewis, 1971; Lynd, 1958). Because of the inward focus, shame deeply affects the identity and relationships of an individual (Kaufman, 1996; Tangney & Dearing, 2002). Perhaps most significantly, shame includes an aspect of condemnation in which the person deduces that he or she will not be accepted, respected, or loved as they had been before their inferiority had come to light (Brown, 2004; Tangney & Dearing, 2002).
If you find yourself in pain, but without words to help you understand it – it is at least possible that you are experiencing shame. As you ponder your circumstances ask yourself:
- Do I feel exposed?
- Do I feel painfully inferior or flawed?
- Am I focused on what this means about me as a person (versus feeling concern over my behavior or what others might be experiencing)?
- Am I certain that something horrible will happen as a result of who I am?
References
2 comments:
Would you agree that shame is, culturally, a powerful tool for affecting behavior? Is your workshop aimed at identifying shame, eradicating it, or some other purpose? As you stated identifying it seems to help alleviate it.
The reason I ask is because where I live, Papua New Guinea, shame is a very heavily used cultural concept. It is almost like a monetary exchange. There is great shame in asking for money or favors, and until you repay this debt, you have a "hevi". You have a debt of shame.
A lot of the effects of shame listed in your handout I see here. Most often is rage, there is a lot of domestic violence, most often seen in households where the male has much public shame.
I would think that identify shame here is not the problem, they understand it and use it. But eradicating it could upset the entire foundation of the culture.
Do you have thoughts on that?
Absolutely Chad, cultural shame is a powerful tool for controlling the behavior of others, particularly in communal cultures. There is disagreement within psychology as to whether or not there can be good shame, but I believe some social shame can be constructive. It can keep us from doing things we ought not to do. This would be akin to discretion.
However, you bring up the ugly side of social shame. The irony is that the shame is meant to keep people together, but in the end, it destroys the relationships.
Regardless, it is certainly a part of many cultures, and is not unlike the honor/shame culture of which Christ was a part. I wonder if instead of eradicating social shame, if there could be change in what is seen as shameful, or how shame is handled.
I think Jesus confronted social shame in the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5-7) by challenging who and what was honorable vs. shameful. In addition, he was revolutionary in suggesting to turn the other cheek in response to being shamed. His alternate behaviors (turning the cheek, giving the cloak, walking the extra mile) kept people from doing destructive things *and* invited the shamer to change their ways. I see this as redeeming the cultural shame - which is brilliant!
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