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I recently saw the movie The Kite Runner. It’s hard to describe the experience; words seem to fall short of its enormity. Positive words seem to overlook the pain, but negative words miss the redemption. Not surprisingly, I was particularly struck by the themes of shame in the movie. The main character Amir watches as his closest friend is assaulted, neither helping nor running for help. His shame over his inaction puts a barrier between he and his friend that he cannot overcome, even when his friend invites him back into friendship. So powerful is his shame that Amir tries to get rid of his life-long friend.
Shame destroys relationships. When we feel shame, we are more likely to get really angry, to blame others for anything and everything, and to pull away from even our most trusted friends and family. The irony is that shame tells us we are not worthy of our connection with others, all the while compelling us to act in ways that bust apart our connections.
On the other hand, relationships destroy shame. When we are convinced of our inferiority and someone honors us, shame dissipates. When we are certain that we are disgusting and someone hugs us, shame fizzles. When we feel beyond hope and God moves in our lives, shame dies. Connection with God and others is our truest hope to combat shame.
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5 comments:
hey Veronica. I totally understand what you are saying. I did a review of the book in 2006.
Wow this is exactly what happened to me......I pulled away from those I was close to ....Shame is a very powerful thing....and when your experiencing it at the time you dont see thats what your doing until God makes you aware of it....and gives you what you need which is that one person that gives you that hug....or that acceptance that you so desire, because you dont feel worthy!
Yes Pam - you have described the crux of how shame can be so destructive - it does it while we're totally unaware of it! One writer on shame has said that the most important thing is being able to identify shame when we're in it. I hope that as we describe what shame looks and feels like, more of us can have the "Aha!" moment sooner rather than later - before we've isolated ourselves completely.
Interesting post. My experience has show the opposite for me.
When I did finally let my guard down after years of not letting folks in, I shared my heart with a pastor 'friend' about some very real and important issue in my life I was struggling with and what I was told pushed me to the edge of insanity when he said...
'God was done with me and so am I'
If that is what relationships get you, no thank you. I will keep my distance at all costs!
You are right. Relationships - the very thing that can heal shame - can also be a cause of shame. And the words your 'pastor friend' spoke to you are precisely that. They are the words of shame. In our journeys out of shame, one goal is to find out if the shaming words spoken to us are in fact true. Often, a part of us believes them and a part of us fights against them with all we have.
As far as living without relationships, this is a tempting solution indeed. I've often wondered about the career path of a hermit thinking it would just be a whole lot easier and safer. Yet research seems to indicate that people with social support tend to have less distress and more satisfaction in the long run. It also seems like God values relationship. Grudgingly, I have to admit there is something about relationships that is important to being human.
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