Unwanted Identities

As an extrovert, I think out loud. This has some advantages, like finding out other people wonder about the same things I do. It also has some disadvantages, like saying stupid things. This happens frequently since my thought process doesn’t actually complete itself until the words are already out. Now, I have just completed my 20th year in school and I have a decent IQ, yet in these moments, I am certain that I have exposed myself as dumb. So I frantically search for a brilliant thing to say to cover up my stupidity, and I can tell you from experience, this rarely ends well.

What I am wrestling with in these moments of shame is an unwanted identity – I don’t want to be seen as stupid. Shame happens when we feel exposed to others, or even just to ourselves, in a way that we perceive is undesirable or flawed (Ferguson, Eyre, & Ashbaker, 2000). When a person begins experiencing same-sex attractions, they may wonder if they are gay or lesbian. These labels can be an unwanted identity for the individual. Then, every time a same-sex thought pops in their mind, or when they are called a derogatory name, the unwanted identity becomes more solidified, and the shame becomes more pervasive.

Good news: experiencing same-sex attractions does not mean a person is gay, lesbian, or even bisexual. There is a difference between experiencing attractions and taking on an (unwanted) identity based on those attractions (Yarhouse, 2005). For instance, I am 145 pounds (give or take), which is about 20 pounds over the recommended weight for my height. Even though I describe my weight on my driver’s license (and now on this website), I do not identify as overweight. Similarly, if someone experiences SSA, but does not want to identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, they can reduce shame by describing their experience as opposed to identifying themselves by their experience.

References