Counteracting Shame

With few exceptions, I stopped watching TV sometime in the mid-1990s. There are many reasons for this, but I was reflecting on one in particular tonight. Typically, when I turn on the TV, I’m presented with the image of a woman disrobing, a woman engaged in some sexual act, a woman very scantily dressed, etc. etc. Needless to say, these women are stunningly gorgeous and seem happy to expose themselves for others’ pleasure. Generally, I get angry. I get angry at the actresses who do these things, angry at the producers (likely male) who use TV to live out their fantasies, angry at my husband who just so happens to be male… you get the idea.

I’ve tried to explain my anger by thinking that perhaps I feel devalued as a woman, or perhaps I feel objectified, but these words never quite fit my experience. It occurred to me tonight that I am feeling shame in these moments. Cognitive psychology says that shame happens when we’re presented with a standard, rule, or goal that we fail to meet. Then, when we don’t live up to the standard, we attribute it to some major flaw in us. So, I see the female characters on TV as being desirable, and quite frankly, I’d like to be desirable too. I also see that I do not live “up” to that standard. Then something inside me says, “I am not that so there is something wrong with me. I am not, and can never be, desirable.” In other words, I feel shame. (I’m a bit ashamed to say that it took me this long to figure out that it was shame...)

The tricky part for me, and perhaps for you in your own areas of shame, is not to out-and-out condemn that which triggers my shame. Feminine beauty is not sinful, enjoyment of sexuality is not evil, and TV is not the core problem. Because I feel condemned in my perceived undesirability, it is tempting to counter-condemn, so to speak. I have found that shamed people shame people, but I don’t think that’s the most helpful course.

The way I see Jesus confronting shame in his culture was by asserting dignity and offering the one who was doing the shaming a chance at redemption. The passage about turning the other cheek and walking the extra mile is not a passage about passivity. It is about the person making a choice to stand dignified in the face of shame in such a way that shed light on the person who was shaming them. Jesus seemed to have no limit to how he put these principles into practice – at times he directly answered questions to retain his honor and at other times he remained silent. Yet I find myself at a loss on how to respond in critical moments. Perhaps the context and Holy Spirit will lend itself to a response, but I like to plan ahead anyway.

Take this example of feeling shame while watching TV – how in the world does one confront that situation helpfully when the producers, writers, actors/actresses, are so far removed from my own life? Perhaps this is one reason I will continue to not watch; being deeply impacted by something on which I have no impact is not very satisfying to me. Nevertheless, in the occasions that I will be watching, am confronted with the images, and tempted toward anger – perhaps I could withhold sarcastic comments about the actresses (you know what I’m talking about ladies), and replace them with a comment that affirms their dignity. Perhaps it means not allowing the images to rule me throughout the rest of the day/evening, making it very hard to be kind to others (it’s very hard for me to be kind when I feel shame). Maybe consciously choosing to be kind, maybe shooting up a prayer whenever the images return, maybe these are the things that can help dissipate my TV shame while blessing (not cursing) those who partake in the shaming.